First time without my husband.

Yesterday was ten weeks since I lost my husband. Today was our triplet grand children's first day in 2nd grade. For the last 3 years we went together to be part of their first day of school today I did it without my husband. I also scheduled a dental surgery to happen this morning. I cried & beat myself up the whole way to the school begging my husband to be with me. I told my DIL ahead of time if it got to be to much I would have to leave. Ironically grandpas girl Hailey wanted me to be in her classroom. As hard as it was I made it through, even being a helper to put all the kids supplies in the boxes they belonged in. From there I went for dental surgery & I welcomed all the pain involved when they have to break a tooth in pieces to get it out. The last part was especially rough as the dentist broke the tooth out but left the root. An hour later he got the root out & I was good to go. He asked me about pain pills but I declined. I want this pain because I can only imagine the pain my husband felt.
I have decided the only way for me to get through his loss is to talk to his oncologist. I can never find piece because I am haunted that we should have tried something else. The last time I talked to his oncologist was at the hospital. I had made the decision for hospice & she came to the hospital & told me she thought I made the right decision. What does that even mean? I cannot go on existing like this, even for the triplets. We have 9 grandchildren & a great grandchild coming in Febuary. For me that is not enough to keep me here. I need my husband & despite what I have heard, each day is harder. I want to be with him & as much as I love them the love I feel for my husband trumps what I feel for my grandkids. Just one more thing that people will judge & tell me how selfish I am!

Tags: Losing, a, cancer, spouse, to

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Permalink Reply by patience on September 3, 2014 at 9:17am

Forget what other people say..your not selfish at all..you are a person trying to cope daily with a loss that is hard enough lil loan anything else..she might have ment by the right decision is because hospice is supposed to be there to help you and your husband..

Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 3, 2014 at 1:44pm

I won't judge you, I totally understand. I have wonderful parents, a wonderful sister, and a wonderful brother-in-law, plus our cat my husband and I have together. They love me, and I love them, but it's not enough to make me want to live or to keep me here. I don't even know if there is an afterlife, but if there is then I need to be there with my husband, since that bastard god or fate or whatever separated us in this life.

As far as I'm concerned, it does only get harder. My husband died nearly two years ago, and every single fucking day of the past two years I have wished I died when he did. That is never going to change. My life ended when his did, period. So while your experience and mine are not exactly the same, I do have some idea of what it's like. People who are actually living in this hell won't judge you for feeling as you do.

Permalink Reply by Sandi on September 3, 2014 at 7:08pm
Thank you bluebird, that is the closest anyone has come to understanding that just experiencing life is not living. My husband was the last of my family left other then my kids & grandkids. I continue to beg every night for God to let me go because the only place I'm whole is with my husband! He was my everything & people used to laugh and ask why we were joined at the hip. You never saw one of us without the other & that's exactly how we wanted it. We didn't need others, just each other. Of course we loved our kids & adored our grandkids who we were with everyday & they learned early on that we came as a pair.
I appreciate your candor and honesty and hope you are given the reunion with your husband as soon as possible.
Kindest Regards, Sandi
Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 3, 2014 at 8:22pm

"Just experiencing life is not living" -- that's exactly right. I beg my husband to come and get me, because I don't believe in a loving god, though sometimes I beg "god" as well even though I don't believe in it.

My husband and I were always SO close. We did sometimes do things on our own, but we always preferred to be together, even if we were just laying on the couch talking or reading books or watching tv.

Thank you; I hope you are reunited with your husband as soon as possible, too.

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