I can't stop dreaming about them...

Whenever he's in my dream he's either alive and happy, or hating me.

Whether the dream is good or bad, it feels like it destroys a part of my soul.

I wake up and for a few blissful moments he's still alive. Then I remember it was a dream, and it's like he dies all over again. 

I can hear the police knocking at my door to tell me. I can feel the empty horror, I can see the faces of the people who were around me contorted in sadness and disbelief.

I remember calling my mum, and her confusion as I told her that he was dead.

I remember everyone saying sorry to me, with them trying to hide that they were crying.

I remember the tears falling down my face, burning a trail, and them I remember the pure emptiness that consumed me.

For the next two weeks I couldn't feel anything. I didn't laugh. I didn't cry. I couldn't feel anything.

I remember meeting with his sister and Dad, and the first bits of emotions coming back to me. 

Guilt. Pure guilt and fear.

What if they blamed me as well?

I love them both, but what if they hated me now?

Or scarier still, what if they still loved me?

I don't deserve their love.

But when I got there they hugged me, they tried to look after me, and I didn't understand. 

Why weren't they angry at me?

I deserved anger and hatred, not caring.

Please hate me. Please love me. Please hate me. Please love me. 

I remember looking into their eyes and wishing.

I didn't know what to wish for, I didn't know what to think, or what to do, or what to say.

Why do you still love me?

It felt like their love and caring was burning me, and I didn't know which would have hurt more, their hatred or their love.

Does anyone else dream a lot about their loved ones?

Are they good or bad dreams?

How are they presented in your dreams?

Views: 168

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Hello - you asked for honest feedback about dreams involving our loved ones. First I want to say I’m truly sorry about your loss. I’m assuming it’s your boyfriend or fiancée perhaps. Nobody can out a finger on the pain and guilt you are feeling, for whatever reasons you are feeling them, especially the guilt. Sometimes people make us feel guilty and other times we are the ones putting this heavy burden on our shoulders. 

About the dreams, when my dad died, I had a dream that he was alive again and we had gone to the store. It seemed very real until I woke up and realized it was only a dream. You see, I firmly believe that my dad is just resting peacefully in a state of inactivity until his life is restored. This is a hope I’ve held onto ever since he passed away. In my dream it was as if we had already been reunited and he wasn’t sick anymore. Not to be offensive, but I don’t believe that my dad actually visited me in a dream. That was the only thing I thought about after he died, so naturally he would be in a dream. The same as when my mom died. I had dreams that we were doing our same activities again and she was okay. Again, these are the things that were on my mind, just as when I was a kid and all I could think about was having a horse of my very own, I have plenty of dreams about that too. 

If you would like to have some reading material that can bring you comfort in dealing with grief, I’d love to send a few links. I don’t mind but I prefer to send to a private email please. 

With Sincere Apologies,

Frances

Pretty much the only dreams I have had about my husband are nightmares, in which I am looking for him but can't find him, or he has left me and doesn't want to be with me anymore, or he has cheated on me, or I have cheated on him. None of that ever happened in real life, and none of that ever would have happened.  It is just my subconscious trying to work out where he is, what happened, why he isn't with me as he should be.  I have never had what is called a "visitation dream", in which my husband has actually visited me in a dream. I don't know if that is even possible really, as I don't know whether or not there is an afterlife, but if there is and if it is possible, it hasn't happened for me. I wish it would.  Whenever I have one of those nightmares I wake up feeling even more shitty than usual, because the feeling from the dream of not being able to find him or of him not wanting to be with me lingers for at least a couple of hours, or sometimes longer. But then it's also worse because at least in the nightmare he was alive, whereas when I wake up he isn't.

I don't know what happened to your loved one or why you blame yourself or feel that his family should blame you, but unless you actually murdered him -- which seems unlikely -- then you probably shouldn't blame yourself, especially if his family doesn't blame you.

I’m sorry that you have been having nightmares @bluebird. 

Thank you, Frances. That is sweet of you to say.

I’ve had nightmares before of a different kind. When my daughter was an infant and it seemed all I thought of was protecting her. I had constant nightmares about not keeping her safe. 

My heart goes out to you. 

I can understand that; sometimes my dreams of my husband involve trying to keep him (or us) safe, too

Maybe we will continue to have distressing dreams. My daughter is now a teenager and she has ongoing health issues. My dreams now involve her health or her desire to move away. Ugh - it’s very hard. I wake up in a panic sometimes. 

I'm sorry; I hope your daughter is ok.
As far as waking up in a panic, that happens to me a lot.

Thank you @bluebird, I appreciate your concern for my daughter. 

I’m sorry this happens to you often. 

I have been learning so much from reading the posts here. I realize I need to sit down and talk with my family about getting our things in order before an emergency happens. I regret that you have lost your dear husband. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I know it can’t be easy. 

I hate to go as it gives me a chance to get to know you and others on the forum, but I have an early morning appt and it’s already 12:27am . I hope to learn more from you about how you feel. Maybe I can catch up in a couple of days. 

I hope you have a peaceful nights sleep. 

Frances 

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Danny. Surviving is art which we all need to practice. Today I met a friend whose father is witnessing the similar illness as my mother i.e. late stage cancer. He is also going through the same emotional turmoil as I went in 2018. After this…"
12 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Danny. I hear you.  December will be 4 years "
12 hours ago
Danny replied to Carla Rose's discussion Lost my Mom a Few Days Ago in the group Lost Without My Mom
"Great reply Sandra"
13 hours ago
Danny updated their profile
13 hours ago
Danny commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Its been 5 years and here I am back on the site. Surviving and functioning but just about. "
13 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Wonderful Avi!!!  "
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Amen, Avi."
17 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks all. This group is my extended family. "
18 hours ago
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, that is so lovely to hear — best wishes to her and your family!"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"That's wonderful, Avi. Congratulations. And I wish you another 100 years with her."
yesterday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I am so happy for you & your family.  I am glad your daughter had a great birthday!  That first birthday is always special.  Take care, "
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Friends, my daughter's first bday celebration went great. She is now 1 year old and motivating force for my dad to live. My dad is able to laugh and enjoy life because of his grand daughter. Even I feel motivated to live so that I…"
yesterday
Stephanie Berndt is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Judy Pugh left a comment for Kevin's Mom
"You are still Kevin’s mom, and you always will be. NOTHING, not even death, can change that. I don’t know what your beliefs are, and I’m not trying to shove my beliefs onto you. I just want you to know that I truly believe this is…"
Aug 10
Connie K commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Teresa D. the line is "Mama  don't you cry for me, I'm sailing in eternity..." Makes me feel emotional and happy that it resonates with you and that you remember it. <3"
Aug 9
Connie K commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Kevin's mom I am so terribly sorry for your devastating loss. I lost my only child as well - Daniel - at age 17. That was 6 and a half years ago. I can't tell you how i made it through, but I have, one day at a time sometimes one minute at…"
Aug 9
Gale Brunault commented on Gale Brunault's group Loss of an Only Child
"I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious son. Why do bad things happen to good people? We may never find the answers.......please know that you are not alone. "
Aug 9
Holycow updated their profile
Aug 9
Kevin's Mom commented on Gale Brunault's group Loss of an Only Child
"I lost my 32 yr old son, my only child, on July 10 2019. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. My heart is shattered and my life will never be the same. This is life's most cruel event."
Aug 9
Kevin's Mom joined Gale Brunault's group
Thumbnail

Loss of an Only Child

As bereaved parents we must deal with unique issues that accompany losing an only child. See More
Aug 9

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service