I can't stop dreaming about them...

Whenever he's in my dream he's either alive and happy, or hating me.

Whether the dream is good or bad, it feels like it destroys a part of my soul.

I wake up and for a few blissful moments he's still alive. Then I remember it was a dream, and it's like he dies all over again. 

I can hear the police knocking at my door to tell me. I can feel the empty horror, I can see the faces of the people who were around me contorted in sadness and disbelief.

I remember calling my mum, and her confusion as I told her that he was dead.

I remember everyone saying sorry to me, with them trying to hide that they were crying.

I remember the tears falling down my face, burning a trail, and them I remember the pure emptiness that consumed me.

For the next two weeks I couldn't feel anything. I didn't laugh. I didn't cry. I couldn't feel anything.

I remember meeting with his sister and Dad, and the first bits of emotions coming back to me. 

Guilt. Pure guilt and fear.

What if they blamed me as well?

I love them both, but what if they hated me now?

Or scarier still, what if they still loved me?

I don't deserve their love.

But when I got there they hugged me, they tried to look after me, and I didn't understand. 

Why weren't they angry at me?

I deserved anger and hatred, not caring.

Please hate me. Please love me. Please hate me. Please love me. 

I remember looking into their eyes and wishing.

I didn't know what to wish for, I didn't know what to think, or what to do, or what to say.

Why do you still love me?

It felt like their love and caring was burning me, and I didn't know which would have hurt more, their hatred or their love.

Does anyone else dream a lot about their loved ones?

Are they good or bad dreams?

How are they presented in your dreams?

Views: 125

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Hello - you asked for honest feedback about dreams involving our loved ones. First I want to say I’m truly sorry about your loss. I’m assuming it’s your boyfriend or fiancée perhaps. Nobody can out a finger on the pain and guilt you are feeling, for whatever reasons you are feeling them, especially the guilt. Sometimes people make us feel guilty and other times we are the ones putting this heavy burden on our shoulders. 

About the dreams, when my dad died, I had a dream that he was alive again and we had gone to the store. It seemed very real until I woke up and realized it was only a dream. You see, I firmly believe that my dad is just resting peacefully in a state of inactivity until his life is restored. This is a hope I’ve held onto ever since he passed away. In my dream it was as if we had already been reunited and he wasn’t sick anymore. Not to be offensive, but I don’t believe that my dad actually visited me in a dream. That was the only thing I thought about after he died, so naturally he would be in a dream. The same as when my mom died. I had dreams that we were doing our same activities again and she was okay. Again, these are the things that were on my mind, just as when I was a kid and all I could think about was having a horse of my very own, I have plenty of dreams about that too. 

If you would like to have some reading material that can bring you comfort in dealing with grief, I’d love to send a few links. I don’t mind but I prefer to send to a private email please. 

With Sincere Apologies,

Frances

Pretty much the only dreams I have had about my husband are nightmares, in which I am looking for him but can't find him, or he has left me and doesn't want to be with me anymore, or he has cheated on me, or I have cheated on him. None of that ever happened in real life, and none of that ever would have happened.  It is just my subconscious trying to work out where he is, what happened, why he isn't with me as he should be.  I have never had what is called a "visitation dream", in which my husband has actually visited me in a dream. I don't know if that is even possible really, as I don't know whether or not there is an afterlife, but if there is and if it is possible, it hasn't happened for me. I wish it would.  Whenever I have one of those nightmares I wake up feeling even more shitty than usual, because the feeling from the dream of not being able to find him or of him not wanting to be with me lingers for at least a couple of hours, or sometimes longer. But then it's also worse because at least in the nightmare he was alive, whereas when I wake up he isn't.

I don't know what happened to your loved one or why you blame yourself or feel that his family should blame you, but unless you actually murdered him -- which seems unlikely -- then you probably shouldn't blame yourself, especially if his family doesn't blame you.

I’m sorry that you have been having nightmares @bluebird. 

Thank you, Frances. That is sweet of you to say.

I’ve had nightmares before of a different kind. When my daughter was an infant and it seemed all I thought of was protecting her. I had constant nightmares about not keeping her safe. 

My heart goes out to you. 

I can understand that; sometimes my dreams of my husband involve trying to keep him (or us) safe, too

Maybe we will continue to have distressing dreams. My daughter is now a teenager and she has ongoing health issues. My dreams now involve her health or her desire to move away. Ugh - it’s very hard. I wake up in a panic sometimes. 

I'm sorry; I hope your daughter is ok.
As far as waking up in a panic, that happens to me a lot.

Thank you @bluebird, I appreciate your concern for my daughter. 

I’m sorry this happens to you often. 

I have been learning so much from reading the posts here. I realize I need to sit down and talk with my family about getting our things in order before an emergency happens. I regret that you have lost your dear husband. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I know it can’t be easy. 

I hate to go as it gives me a chance to get to know you and others on the forum, but I have an early morning appt and it’s already 12:27am . I hope to learn more from you about how you feel. Maybe I can catch up in a couple of days. 

I hope you have a peaceful nights sleep. 

Frances 

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I feel like you are going through a rough time right now. You're not alone. One of the great things about a site like this is that you are a world away but I know who you are and I know that you are missing your mom just as much as I am.…"
22 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree Brett. Completely. My mother used to worry about small things and I used to get irritated sometimes. But now I miss it"
22 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom worried about every detail of my life. There are some who would say that is intrusive. I felt that she was just being a mom. I miss that so much. I had the flu last year. I was laying in that bed and all I could hear was silence. My mom would…"
23 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Good morning Adams. It is 9:40 AM in India and I am at my job and trying to concentrate hard as my Mom always wanted.  I have almost stopped complaining of anything in life now as I have already lost my most precious gift. Now what ever I have…"
yesterday
morgan and joe kelly are now friends
yesterday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, the fact that you were close enough with your mother to share your negative feelings about your job shows real intimacy, which I think is what loving mothers treasure above all else.  So hard accepting that we will not hear that beloved…"
yesterday
Profile IconCilvia and Aimee Hall Fuszard joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Even my mother always used to say that live your life fully but I was always complaining on some matters. She used to worry about me the most as I was not stable in my job and used to talk about quitting it often. She always used to say, love your…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, my mom said those exact words....."
Saturday
morgan commented on Alice Thompson's status
"Alice,  I regret not getting it together to write on Dec 2nd as I recall that was your anniversary of your husbands death date.  I have just been swimming upstream through the rapids.  Each year during the "seasonal"…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She also used to say, "I lived my life, now you have to live yours." "
Saturday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You know what when my mom could not be resuscitated, her eyes were wide open and looking toward the right towards me as I walked in, she saw me I know it.  I shut her eyes.  I wanted the hospital staff to leave me alone.  They were…"
Saturday
SeLV commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Let those tears flow.."
Saturday
Alice Thompson posted a status
"Still here; still missing my love with all my heart; hoping we can all get through another lonely holiday season."
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"SelV, your mom would have had it no other way. She saw you take your first breath. You saw her take her last. I experienced that as well. If I had my way, I would have gone before my mom. Is that selfish of me? Yes. I don't care. Losing mom was…"
Saturday
SeLV commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Dear all...the thought "What if I had died due to unforeseen circumstances and my elderly widowed mother had to grief my death?" crossed my mind many times. Knowing my mother, her world (of me and her) would have collapsed and she would…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I think you're right, Theresa. We are a sad bunch. I think our moms would be touched that we love them so much, but they would probably also want us to be happy and move on. I just don't think that's possible, nor do I believe that my…"
Saturday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"So I have been really busy at work and with moving, but of course at night when I get in bed I cry and cry. I finally have come to realize this will be the new normal I guess, I do not think I will every stop missing my mom ever..."
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Pamela philipp's discussion Cancer Sucks -- how do I deal with this
"Pamela Cancer is indeed a plague. Death from cancer is only part of the story. The journey from diagnosis to death is horrific and overwhelming. Even though cancer effects a lot of people, there are so many that just don't understand how…"
Friday
Profile IconClaire Bartlett and Amy joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service