I just got my husband's remains from the funeral home.  Now all that's left of him is sitting there on the fireplace in a simple box.  I feel like I'm going through slow torture and I just wish God would take me too so that I could be with him again.  I miss him so much.  Most times I just don't want to go on without him but I try because I know he would want me to live and be happy.  I don't see ever being happy again.  I don't see ever being with someone else or sharing my life with someone.  We were perfect together and even if he's gone he's my husband and always will be.  I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I just hope that it's not too much longer. I don't know how to go on without him. 

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Hi justkate,

I am sorry you are in the dumps, my dog just threw up today too!  Maybe they are feeling our sadness.  We have to be strong for them!  Some people are callous about grief or is that strength of character, I don't know.  Life never seems to turn out the way we want but we have to ride it, roll with it and try to make it interesting.  xo

Hi Debra,

My husband died of liver cancer too, diagnosed 4/20/11, gone 6/6/11.  Not much time but am glad we had time to say goodbye.  In those 6 weeks, I felt we fell in love all over again; everything we ever first felt for each other grew even greater during those last weeks.  I hope you enjoy a little country humor my neighbor told me that was told to her when her husband passed;  A young man sat down at a bar next to an old man.  He said his wife was visiting his mother for the weekend and he was all alone.  He asked the old man if he had a wife and he said he was widowed and then told him, "Ya see, you're not really alone till its etched in stone."  Ain't that the truth!

I chuckled at your joke! I recently adopted one of Bob's mom's expressions "Ain't that the truth?!" so I got a kick out of that, too :-) I see on your Page that you had Hospice for him. Same here, I stayed by his side every minute that I was able. That means you saw all the weird, scary stuff that his body experienced and I'm so sorry that you, too, went through that. Given the situation, though, if I had it to do over, I wouldn't change a thing! Special hugs to you and we will get stronger in their honor.

Hi justkate - read this reply and liked it a lot.  I think it's so incredibly important to know that our late loved ones would want us to move forward, to get on with our lives and to not get stuck in the grief and the sadness.  That's something I remind myself of constantly.  Of course we're sad and of course we miss them and we will, most certainly, go through our grief and mourning - that's normal and to be expected - but we can grieve and live at the same time.  Yes, it's hard...yes, it hurts...but I well know that my husband would not want to think of me as being miserable and sad for the rest of my life.  For me, living my life as best I can and as positively as possible is the best way of honoring him and honoring all of our wonderful years together.  I want my life to be a testament to the relationship that we had and to all the wonderful years that we shared.   Wishing you all the best.  Lynne

Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, I have lost many loved ones but most recently my son, Zach, on September 3rd in a tragic accident. I can't believe it will soon be 9 months. I remember when we picked up his ashes how devastating that was/is. The other day I was dusting and had to pick up Zach's ashes and his picture, it made me so incredibly angry. I have to say though, that not every day is unbearable any more. For me I have found that my grief is like a roller coaster, there are days that are okay, sometimes even days that I have been able to laugh with my family, then the next day it will hit me like it is all just happening all over again. I feel like the only way I continue to get up in the morning, is all the prayers that have been said for me and my family. One day, one minute, one second at a time is all I can do. Hugs and prayers for you. Robin

Thanks everyone.  It helps to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through and who care.  I'm actually feeling a little better today.  I had a dream about my husband last night.  It was nothing special, we were just doing our usual daily stuff around the house but I got to kiss him, and somehow that made me feel better today.  

Thanks.  It's amazing that that one little thing could make me feel better.

Aw, my husbands remains are sitting over the fireplace too; I made a shrine with some of his things.  It will be a year 6/6 and my life is still enduring torture and enjoying a few good times now and then.  I just saw that movie the Edge and he reminded me so much of Anthony Hopkins and the character, I cried through the whole thing. I have thought the exact same things you are, but I try to ride out the bad times and know that there will be good things again sometime.  Its a very unbearable thing to go through.  I am sorry we all ended up here.

Im sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents this year. Both were young 47 and 44 and unexpected. We burried my dad but my mom always talked about cremation so we cremated her. Im 25, the oldest of 3 so I got my mom's remains and choose how to disburse them, which was between my brother my sister and myself but after that there still was alot of remains left. I felt the same way, all I got now is ashes and a broken heart. My mom wants her ashes scattered in Maine, I am from Wisconsin so I will be traveling there when its summer. I felt the same way tho, kept telling myself I wish it was me that went and I wanted to buy a plot right next to my dad bcuz I wanted to go soon, but I have 2 kids and they have kept me going and gave me a reason for living. They say time heals but for me its getting harder with time and of course you could not imagine your self with someone else, its too soon. Just take one day at a time.

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The food of love

Think I’ve mentioned someplace on this site that sharing meals and cooking was always very important to my husband...it was also a big part of my mother’s life and one of the ways she showed affection and concern for those in her life, they were similar in many ways, including that one.  My husband used to tell people that he’d always “had trouble distinguishing food, love, and sex” — he’d say it in a joking way, but he really believed that in some way, at the deepest level, they were all one…See More
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morgan commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
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morgan left a comment for Susan Bishop
"Susan B,  I am so sorry.  To try and live without that person who was by your side for 52 years is a living nightmare.  I had 35 married years but 55 of knowing him (since second grade).  That much history buries the person left…"
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"not bean a grt wk on pepple passin i no plu  plus near dads anvers 10 or 9 daysi am i no its bean 8 yrs "
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Bluebird, Thanks for your kind post. I feel the same as you about getting another pet. No other dog could ever take her place and no man could ever take the place of My Dear Husband, Julian. As with you, I don't want to face anymore deaths…"
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Mel Royer posted a blog post

Dark Night and Day of the Soul

Hello Morgan, Bluebird, Linda at al. I'm sorry it has been so awfully long since my last contact.  A Year? I have always read the posts, though and have felt the same horrible burning pain I have the last, nearly 5 years since Nancy left me. I have had a couple of tia's including a lengthy bout of "aphasia". It was almost comedic as I couldn't talk but kept trying to tell the emt's which hospital to drop me at. This year, I have come to the concludion will be my year, 2020 will be the year I…See More
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bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I just wish I could have died with Julian. Like you, everyday I just go through motions. I am blessed with my Sweet Dog, Babie J. I am living for her. She now has dementia and it is so sad to watch her declining. She has been by side…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Amen Linda.......Today for whatever reason was a particularly rough day.  I am exhausted from crying.   I just don't know how long I can keep pushing forward.  I am definitely in the hate mode......."
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Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do. looking back I feel you…"
Feb 20
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!"
Feb 20
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm  is I’m ready to go I am not…"
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bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding.…"
Feb 20
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Over the years I have thought that Bluebird gets it much more than almost everyone who has written about this - at least from my point of view. At the root of this, I think, it's the absence of their presence that hurts so much.  I…"
Feb 20

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