Its the 28th of August and im alone again without my Carol Ann.

As time is going on i am understanding a little more about Carol Ann and I ,just a little at a time.

Our relationship was no rose garden in any way although we actually had 6 very good years out of the entire relationship.

The rest of the time waas fighting and forgetting about fighting working allot and at times ignoring each other ,than sometimes we where very close.

I decided to write regularly because i think it helps me structure my reassembalage of my life.

I was thinking today about my suicide attempt some 9 years ago and i think that was one thing that really messed things up for us.

I think i really hurt her so much by doing that the relationship never recovered.

Im so sorry Carol for that .

Maybe if i post a little every day .It might help me deal with this.

Views: 386

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I hope you are feeling a bit better now.  {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Today I am not feeling so utterly devastated. I had some tears this morning and I am still having to force myself to do any thing .

It seems like so many things remind me of Carol Ann. I watch old holly wood movies allot and the ones shot in the 1950 and 60 even remind me of what it would have been like to grow up yhose times in the United states.

You see we had been to allot of the places where those films where shot and I recognise the places but I am crying less about them.

Im taking medication for depression and its helping me to see matters in more perspective.

I did not wish to take medication but I had to as I have allot of work to do am are half way in between moving and relocating in another country.

I could not do this while laying in bed crying all day on and off.

I have taken meds for many years as I do have mental illness. I was off them for some months but life was getting too much for me and I was going to end up in hospital and that would have been a real step backward for me to finding anything in life.

Where I am staying at the moment is like a deserted country town in Australia. Its impossible to make friends here .I usually make friends through work.I had a number of medical issues to work through. I have worked through two out of the four.

I have to have an operation to remove a gall bladder in about 2 months time and I have to fly to Sydney on business .I can not afford to be sick. Carol Ann would not have wanted that for me.

She would be also proud of me for keeping the apartment I rented in this place clean and in order.

I think about her many times a day.

I spend my days watching old moves and studying the ruless of the road as I want to get my drivers licence back again. Funny I only have one thing material to remind myself of Carol Ann like a keepsake. Her husband took everything. I wish I had a picture of her .She would never let me take a picture of her .Maybe it was because of the cherrokee in her or maybe she was just shy.I dont know.

Today is better than yesterday for me but its the meds .I dont know how I feel about that.

I have an online mormorial to her.I think I posted the url. Thanks Bluebird for caring enough to post me. The town I am staying in really gets to me badly .Its drab and deserted and busnesses ar closing down . One good thing is the rent is rock bottom.

My plan is to move to a better town I know where im going but its going to take a year before I can get there. Relocaation takes allot of time especially from Mexico to Australia.

I know Carol Ann would have wanted me to turn on the radio and listen a bit maybe little by little .I might start listening to the news for a few minuets .The radio reminds me I am not with Carol Ann.

I will take a picture of what I have left of Carol Ann its odd its a pair of track pants with love written on them.I also included our little toys we had a secret language build around them .It was very elaborate ,like a fairy tale.


I have been having crying jags again in spite of the medication. I do not wish to stop the crying .I got up this morning and read some post on this forum. I am grateful for this forum as it helps me feel that i am not so very alone with it all.

Thank you bluebird. Im still having a bad time of it but the meds are making it manageable and im not so overwhelmed and can function now in this very demanding situation i find myself in.

Thanks again.

Yes it will get better

Today i have what i call one of my Carol days. They are bound to come .I laid down most of the day and cried .I tried to go out and i got out for a few hours than just could not stop crying .I came home and went to bed in a darkened room and thought allot again as i have done in the past months about life and death. I really do wish to die actually.All the meds and all the life ,all the things i messed up .Its come to this again in this cold grey apartment .Really all the life in me has gone now.I think the day Carol Ann died so did i. I can not keep our agreement that if something happens to one of us the other goes on. Its just too much for me .I can not go on.I just can not.

I have decided I have cried enough for the time being and if I continue it’s damaging me.
I know Carol Ann would not have wanted me to suffer so much and I am thinking that’s its best if I try and nudge myself on a little. Sometimes I feel I must nudge myself on or I’m going to get in an even worse way than I have been.
I was feeling and thinking of how to end my life for a few days .Its not uncommon for me to think this. I decided to engage is a comforting habit I have to avoid a possible attempt.
I have tried before when things just got way too much for me to deal with.
I have decided to participate in a project that is on another support board I belong to.
It’s for people who damage themselves. I can injure myself at times as a way of coping with my feelings.
I am going to try and distract myself by becoming involved in this Christmas project.
We make little cards for each other and send them to each other in the post physically.
Like snail mail.
Its an amazing thing after communicating with someone or people to make something physical and send it or receive it.
Today I am going to look after myself.
I will make some cards or in my case some tiny paintings.
Im feeling a little better today because of my involvement in this project.
I hope everyone on this site is ok enough for today .Just for today.
Today im going to try and have a break from everything unless I get triggered and get swamped again.

I hope that continues to help you. (((((Elizabeth)))))

Yeah thanks bluebird it did help. I made a picture would you like to see?

Its called Weird St 56. Its helps me to work .


I am feeling today somewhat different to grief and I think it is changing some. Im still dropping into massive holes of human despair over the whole incident.

Funny I am starting to allow myself to think what a god dammed bitch she was at times and how she abused me. Did not listen to me and some negative stuff like that.

Maybe that’s a change in what’s happening to my grief.

I still maintain the memorial and witness to Carol Ann as he definitely stated she wanted no funeral or anything inside I think she did want to be remembered.

I cried a little last night but mostly as I stated had a day off from all this as much as I could and did a painting. Work helps me so much.

It gives me structure and a hope that maybe in later life there is still something better for me.

Like the worst is yet to come is my attitude sometimes or well many times.

I woke up this morning and in a pre-coffee haze took the wrong meds like I took a night time med. That was pretty dumb.

Today looks like its going to be one of my better days but who knows. I often start out good and then something right out of my control happens.

Hummm .In short my greif continues but I seem to have the capacity to do something else with it all for a short period of time and the fact that I can remember how much I hated her too at times and how our relationship was so messy could be a good thing.

Maybe im growing up in this most wretched issue.

Could be wrong.

I so much wish I had a picture of her.

I have only a pair of her track pants and out donkey mascots left.

I miss her so much .Even the fighting was a form of intimacy.

Now im feeling sad again.

You painted that? I'm a writer, not a visual artist, but in my opinion you have some real talent. Did you go to art school?  Have you considered trying to make some money from your art? It's very hard to make a living just from art, but maybe you could supplement your income with it. Plus, I think it would probably help your self-esteem. Anyway, I think it's a good painting.


Thanks bluebird.

Im in the sadness pit again.

All I can do is lay down on the floor and stare at the grey wall again.

Yes bluebird i am a professional artist.

But because of my situation I can not work at the moment.

I guess we all go up and down with this grief .Today its very bad again.

Today life seems hopeless yet again.

Want a link to how I am feeling today?

This would explain more than I could dam well rewrite.

Excuse the swearing but its NOT posted on this site.

My feelings are so bitter and painful today.

I am unsure what you can say on this site  and what you can not.

WARNING If your easily offended by bad language DO NOT  click on this hyperlink.

So that's about it.

Its 7.00 pm and im going to bed to turn life off for a while.

I hate me tonight.



Latest Activity

Billy Jo Colt left a comment for Miriam Holmes
"Hi Miriam, You have my deepest admiration and empathy. I don't have any family left to speak of. For years there was no one to talk to about my daily life. Although I found it difficult to be open with people and preferred to help them rather…"
M Adams commented on Miriam Holmes's blog post Healing Repetition
"Miriam, thanks for what you’ve said here, think it will be helpful to many other people here and I hope writing it down will help you as well.  What you say about the way you miss your uncle, the loss of rituals and of his expressions of…"
Shirelle posted a status
"It will be 2 months since my son pass I'm feel do lost I'm don't want to work but have bills I don't want to talk to anyone just want to cry"
Miriam Holmes posted a blog post

Healing Repetition

An uncle in our family committed suicide.  For five years his wife, Aunt Alice, said the same things over and over again to anyone who would listen.  We are a loving family, so we listened and said the same hopefully comforting things back to her again and again.  And after five years she was done and could move on.  I hope it doesn't take five years, but I need to talk about my Uncle Jim and my cousin Paul and probably repeat myself a lot. It took a long time to develop my relationship with…See More
Katherine A Pericas Geersten commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi everyone, My name is Katherine.  I am learning how to deal with the loss of my mom, she passed away two months ago.My mom was never my best friend, but she was so much more. She made me the person that I am today and living without her has…"
Katherine A Pericas Geersten joined Karen's group

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
Katherine A Pericas Geersten posted a discussion

Hello, a little bit about me.

Two months ago, my mom committed suicide. As of now, this has to be one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I hope that through this forum I may be able to just reach out to someone who can kind of understand what my situation is like.My friends try to talk to me (and I do reach out to them) but I feel that the situation I am in is a really heavy thing to talk about (basically I don't want to rope my friends into my troubles, nor do I want to be a burden to them). I talk to…See More
Profile IconRonald Gordon and Dona Fiedler joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Miriam Holmes left a comment for Dona Fiedler
"Dona, I am so sorry for your pain.  A difficult relationship like yours always leaves all sorts of conflicting feelings that are hard to sort out.  I hope that the support you receive here will help you find your way to a better place."
Miriam Holmes left a comment for Dona Fiedler
"Hi, I'm brand new, too.  I needed some place to talk out the grief that other people don't understand and don't really want to listen to.  Hopefully, this will be a helpful place for both of us.  Whatever your loss, I…"
Miriam Holmes posted a blog post

The Little Things

This morning there was a crescent moon.  I always called it a "fingernail moon," but my cousin Paul called it a "toenail moon."  I got all choked up seeing it.  Then the Valentine cards are out at Walmart.  He loved all the holidays, and I always sent him cards.  But no more.  More tears to fight back.  Sometimes his love for you would overflow, and he would just have to give you a big hug and tell you that he loved you right then and there.  I have never had anyone else do that for me.  I knew…See More
Profile IconNovember and Arlene Vesia joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Boots updated their profile
bluebird and M Adams are now friends
Jan 20
Carol Peckham Taylor left a comment for Greg Darby
"Sorry to hear of your loss. Taking baby step and present moment living will help, along with your family and close friends."
Jan 20
Profile IconMiriam Holmes and Greg Darby joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 19
Shirelle posted a status
"My son died November 25 at 936 am and I have. Cried everyday I honestly don't know what to do I can't function at all what do I do?"
Jan 17
Profile IconKatherine A Pericas Geersten, nikita and Katrina joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 16
Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello to all of you who are here for the same unimaginable reason as I am. I found this website last night after another night of going to bed where instead of sleep, pain sets in that I was able to escape from all day by being busy. Jess's…"
Jan 14
Sue M joined Kar's group

Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.See More
Jan 14

© 2020   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service