Don't grieve alone; 13,000 members and growing
Hello, i'm Cristian 18 years old, turning 19 on this month on 24th. And i'm living in agony , i've lost the joy of life and its happiness... Now , i shall begin with the story.... I've been raised by my grandparents ( less grandad he has the mind of a child, it's like a regression for him ) BUT grandmum she was my dad,mum,grandmum and best friend , she has raised me since i was born, but mostly when i turned 3 years old ( mum went to Italy, she didn't really raised me that much). All my universe was painted near her, she was the center of my world , my role model in life, an ideal for me... she was everything. She was one of the kindest person's from the world i'm not even kidding ( if she ever found a pocket, money, a mobile phone , everything that wouldn't belong to her she immediately gave them back , she has never said bad words, she would never put herself first , she would rather die starving but giving us ( me and my brother) everything what we needed) and unfortunately the thing that has destroyed me has happened 4 years ago when grandmum was diagnosed with cirrhosis ( she was also diabetic and other diseases but not that bad she took vitamin K for blood coagulation) When i heard i was literally destroyed every night i was crying and searching on google thousands of articles about cirrhosis , i couldn't believe grandmum would die in ~5 years according to google, i wasn't ready , i couldn't believe, she was too young! ~57-58 years when she was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Grandmum has always been a strong person , she would've never told us she is sick or she had any pain not to scary us , she suffered in silence everytime. Furthermore, when i was literally destroyed inside and outside last week Thursday to Friday when grandmum couldn't breathe anymore, i mean she could but very hard and she was coughing really bad everytime she was trying to talk and thus she had no more energy.. So i was scared, i phoned mum ( mum and uncles (grandmum's sons) that i was really scared and i don't know what to do as, so ,mum phoned a relative of us and told her to come immediately and see the situation.. as soon as that relative saw grandmum she immediately told her to come to the hospital, firstly i didn't want to come as i thought i was too scared to face the reality, but i had to so i went... I had to stay into a hospital with grandmum she was put a breathing mask into a dirty salon from the City hospital she stayed with another 10 people into a dirty salon just with a breathing mask waiting for the next day in the morning to be replaced at another hospital , i stayed all night with her, i was always giving her water since she was really thirsty and exhausted and her stomach was growing really bad ( that relative that was with us left around 1-2 AM so only me was who stayed with her) it was a nightmare to see grandmum in that situation, i called mum i was arguing with her a little bit, and with my uncles and aunt also, but mum was the only real person that could've understand me and see the real situation i knew grandmum is slowly dying under my eyes.. However, the next day she was transferred to Hospital number 3, i could remark that she's getting worse, and immediately her doc told us " We can't do anything , as she had cancer stage 4 , metastasis at lungs from liver . I was ruined, mum came after 3-4 days (on the last day grandmum could talk and be conscious ) grandmum never told us she knows she's going to die , in order not to scare us . But her situation was progressively getting x5000 times worse per day, until after 5 or 6 days she couldn't talk anymore , her eyes were completely yellow and she wouldn't open them anymore.... On the last night of grandmum the uncles and aunt ( her sons) arrived from italy grandmum hasn't opened her eyes , but i think she hear them . Going on, on the next day she died, slowly and without any pain, docs said that her cancer affected her brain so she didn't feel anything. We were all destroyed, especially me since she was my everything... Now i miss her so much, she was so beautiful , i didn't call her grandmum , i was telling her mum ( mama) whenever i called her ... Her wish was seeing me to university in UK (as this is my last year of highschool in romania) unfortunately she didn't make it... But i'm just thinking about what was in her mind while she was at hospitals did she always know she's going to die? What did she feel? What was she thinking about during all that time about? It destroy me all these thoughts because she didn't deserve this! She should've been right now in her bed watching her tv shows and laughing with me about silly things.. Now what do i do without her? I'm literally crying because she passed away too early.. So sad because, 2 years ago died her first sister, last year her second sister and in just after 6 months after her second sister died it was the turn of grandmum...
This sounds very much like my experience of losing my amazing mother nearly 4 years ago. I felt totally empty and dead inside, and lost almost every reason to live. I clung to the few things left in my life that had meaning, and really just wanted to die. An existential philosopher once wrote that the spirit will die if one has nothing to live for, "no will to meaning." You must find something to live for, even if it's not the same as your relationship to your beloved grandmother. Love heals. And, remember, you carry within you her lovely spirit, life lessons, and her very DNA. She is never far; in fact, she's within you. It's been four years now since I lost the person who I can barely live without. I will never be the same person I was before I lost her, and I'm still trying to rebuild myself and find some peace. I involve myself with all I have left, including my pets. Pets can be wonderful for a broken heart and can often give us a special something people cannot always give. Most people don't understand I am still grieving after so long. I do have "happy moments" where I might forget for a few hours, but am still shell-shocked. I have so many blessings in my life, but life just seems empty without my mom. She was my close friend, sister, mother, father, everything. Somehow, I I've managed to get through four years and have no idea what the future will bring me. It's as if reality has shattered. I find that having some kind of hobbies or interests help, too, although sometimes one is just too depressed to have any interests. I think of all the human beings who have also gone through this same pain, so many tears through all human history, but it's still hard to imagine I'm not alone. This will be a very long healing process, but the natural tendency of a soul is to survive and learn and to continue to love. I wish you all the strength and goodness in the world. Peace to you.