Hello, i'm Cristian 18 years old, turning 19 on this month on 24th. And i'm living in agony , i've lost the joy of life and its happiness... Now , i shall begin with the story.... I've been raised by my grandparents ( less grandad he has the mind of a child, it's like a regression for him ) BUT grandmum she was my dad,mum,grandmum and best friend , she has raised me since i was born, but mostly when i turned 3 years old ( mum went to Italy, she didn't really raised me that much). All my universe was painted near her, she was the center of my world , my role model in life, an ideal for me... she was everything. She was one of the kindest person's from the world i'm not even kidding ( if she ever found a pocket, money, a mobile phone , everything that wouldn't belong to her she immediately gave them back , she has never said bad words, she would never put herself first , she would rather die starving but giving us ( me and my brother) everything what we needed) and unfortunately the thing that has destroyed me has happened 4 years ago when grandmum was diagnosed with cirrhosis ( she was also diabetic and other diseases but not that bad she took vitamin K for blood coagulation) When i heard i was literally destroyed every night i was crying and searching on google thousands of articles about cirrhosis , i couldn't believe grandmum would die in ~5 years according to google, i wasn't ready , i couldn't believe, she was too young! ~57-58 years when she was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Grandmum has always been a strong person , she would've never told us she is sick or she had any pain not to scary us , she suffered in silence everytime. Furthermore, when i was literally destroyed inside and outside last week Thursday to Friday when grandmum couldn't breathe anymore, i mean she could but very hard and she was coughing really bad everytime she was trying to talk and thus she had no more energy.. So i was scared, i phoned mum ( mum and uncles (grandmum's sons) that i was really scared and i don't know what to do as, so ,mum phoned a relative of us and told her to come immediately and see the situation.. as soon as that relative saw grandmum she immediately told her to come to the hospital, firstly i didn't want to come as i thought i was too scared to face the reality, but i had to so i went... I had to stay into a hospital with grandmum she was put a breathing mask into a dirty salon from the City hospital she stayed with another 10 people into a dirty salon just with a breathing mask waiting for the next day in the morning to be replaced at another hospital , i stayed all night with her, i was always giving her water since she was really thirsty and exhausted and her stomach was growing really bad ( that relative that was with us left around 1-2 AM so only me was who stayed with her) it was a nightmare to see grandmum in that situation, i called mum i was arguing with her a little bit, and with my uncles and aunt also, but mum was the only real person that could've understand me and see the real situation i knew grandmum is slowly dying under my eyes.. However, the next day she was transferred to Hospital number 3, i could remark that she's getting worse, and immediately her doc told us " We can't do anything , as she had cancer stage 4 , metastasis at lungs from liver . I was ruined, mum came after 3-4 days (on the last day grandmum could talk and be conscious ) grandmum never told us she knows she's going to die , in order not to scare us . But her situation was progressively getting x5000 times worse per day, until after 5 or 6 days she couldn't talk anymore , her eyes were completely yellow and she wouldn't open them anymore.... On the last night of grandmum the uncles and aunt ( her sons) arrived from italy grandmum hasn't opened her eyes , but i think she hear them . Going on, on the next day she died, slowly and without any pain, docs said that her cancer affected her brain so she didn't feel anything. We were all destroyed, especially me since she was my everything... Now i miss her so much, she was so beautiful , i didn't call her grandmum , i was telling her mum ( mama) whenever i called her ... Her wish was seeing me to university in UK (as this is my last year of highschool in romania) unfortunately she didn't make it... But i'm just thinking about what was in her mind while she was at hospitals did she always know she's going to die? What did she feel? What was she thinking about during all that time about? It destroy me all these thoughts because she didn't deserve this! She should've been right now in her bed watching her tv shows and laughing with me about silly things.. Now what do i do without her? I'm literally crying because she passed away too early.. So sad because, 2 years ago died her first sister, last year her second sister and in just after 6 months after her second sister died it was the turn of grandmum...

Views: 70

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Cristian,

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take your pain away.

What helps me is the Bible. I know not everyone finds comfort in it , but to me it gives me a wonderful hope for the future. It speaks about being reunited with our loved ones.

For example:

Mark 5:42 — And immediately the girl rose and began walking. (She was 12 years old.) And at once they were beside themselves with great ecstasy.

In this scripture the family had lost their 12 year old daughter...how painful that must have been...but the account is about Jesus resurrecting this 12 year old. Notice how the family responds.

"they were beside themselves with great ecstasy."

You and I can look forward to that in our future.

This sounds very much like my experience of losing my amazing mother nearly 4 years ago. I felt totally empty and dead inside, and lost almost every reason to live. I clung to the few things left in my life that had meaning, and really just wanted to die. An existential philosopher once wrote that the spirit will die if one has nothing to live for, "no will to meaning." You must find something to live for, even if it's not the same as your relationship to your beloved grandmother. Love heals. And, remember, you carry within you her lovely spirit, life lessons, and her very DNA. She is never far; in fact, she's within you. It's been four years now since I lost the person who I can barely live without. I will never be the same person I was before I lost her, and I'm still trying to rebuild myself and find some peace. I involve myself with all I have left, including my pets. Pets can be wonderful for a broken heart and can often give us a special something people cannot always give. Most people don't understand I am still grieving after so long. I do have "happy moments" where I might forget for a few hours, but am still shell-shocked. I have so many blessings in my life, but life just seems empty without my mom. She was my close friend, sister, mother, father, everything. Somehow, I I've managed to get through four years and have no idea what the future will bring me. It's as if reality has shattered. I find that having some kind of hobbies or interests help, too, although sometimes one is just too depressed to have any interests. I think of all the human beings who have also gone through this same pain, so many tears through all human history, but it's still hard to imagine I'm not alone. This will be a very long healing process, but the natural tendency of a soul is to survive and learn and to continue to love. I wish you all the strength and goodness in the world. Peace to you.

RSS

Latest Activity

KIM Montgomery left a comment for Nora
"Nora,  Our group is run through Kaiser and we meet every week.  It helps. I am actually thinking about individual counseling as well. Today was a really rough day.  I do know I have to come to work. Working from home I just want to…"
4 hours ago
Lost with out him replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Nora: I have been thinking about you and getting a job. How is that going? I think I remember you saying that you had to leave your job because they did not give you enough time off when your husband died? Of course I do not want to over step…"
4 hours ago
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, How often do you have meetings? I found a group but they only meet eery 3 weeks. I am not sure yet. Thank you for sharing your daughter's experience. Steve's daughter was really grieving at the beginning but now she only…"
9 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Yes, that is exactly how I feel."
9 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Went to the 2nd session of support group.  Grief is grief and hurts no matter what the loss.  It hurts, you feel alone.  I have learned one thing from group is we are not alone. There are 2 different groups those that are…"
9 hours ago
Jean replied to Darlene's discussion My grief has made me feel numb from the neck down, has anyone else felt this?
"I had that feeling when my nephew called me and told me his brother had killed himself one year after my brother (their father) died. It was a weird sensation I have never felt before. From the top of my head all the way to my feet just a rush of ?…"
18 hours ago
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, ladies, I just found some thought that actually explains how I feel now: Sounds familiar? Grieving and trying to be nice, crying and smiling to look nice next minute... It is a great movie anyway - watch when you can."
yesterday
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Jackie. Those horrible panic attacks just visit us often. Suddenly the whole world is turning black and no oxygen anymore. Jackie, I accept you as acting Steve - I hope he does not mind - and I really appreciate your support - I know you…"
yesterday
AnneJ replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Kim. Please don't feel sorry about discussing different topics; it's how our minds work and your words are a comfort to so many. Just knowing someone feels the same, hurts the same, has the same inner voice... the empty bed, the…"
yesterday
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I try not come on here in the early morning as I start work early so I can go home early.  That was my routine.  We would get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee and I would go off to work.  I looked forward to going home a little…"
Tuesday
Jackie cooke replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Nora, you are a beautiful women with a beautiful heart. Steve loved you very much but remember you were a success before you met him and not because of him. We need to give ourselves time to grieve it's only been 3 months, who knows if we will…"
Tuesday
Nora posted a status
"Hi, Pumpkin! 3 months without you today. Started looking for a job. I know you are proud of me now. But it is so hard without you. Love""
Tuesday
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Ladies, I just had one more pain caused by simple actions that I even did not pay attention to before. Well, I sat to start looking for a job. It was already hard as I have a "meeting people & leaving the house" anxiety. Also, it…"
Tuesday
Jennifer B posted a photo
Tuesday
Lost with out him replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I too feel exactly as everyone here has discribed it. Four months in.. Lost the love of my life. I feeling like the walking dead.. I function because I am expected to. I go to work because I haven't any choice. I have to sell my house.( for…"
Tuesday
Bethany posted a blog post

One down...

Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.See More
Monday
gregory harvey posted a blog post

National TV show wants to help unsolved cold cases

I am the producer of a nationally televised crime docu-series. I am currently developing a new series focusing on unsolved cold cases, where the perpetrator is known but remains uncharged, many times because they are already in prison for life for another crime. That should not deter anyone else from getting justice. We will bring in outside, independent cold case detectives to rework cases to see if we can help. The series will underscore the hope, strength and tenacity of the families and…See More
Monday
morgan replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I really hate to reply to this thread as I am four years and almost five months into the loss of the love of my life and I can hardly stand the roller coaster I am on.  I am careening off the tracks "again" and I come here to reassure…"
Monday
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you all for the kind support here.  It does help.  I too feel lost at time.  This morning I was up at 3:30 watching TV; my alarm goes off at 4:45, no sense in trying to go back to sleep.  Like some one else said on here, my…"
Monday
Jackie cooke replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Kim, your not alone, as Nora's says every word you say matches how I feel. I have lost my best friend, soul mate, partner, my lover. Now I'm alone with my dog and cat. OVer 70 people and the funeral but none of them ring or call. People…"
Monday

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service