Hello, i'm Cristian 18 years old, turning 19 on this month on 24th. And i'm living in agony , i've lost the joy of life and its happiness... Now , i shall begin with the story.... I've been raised by my grandparents ( less grandad he has the mind of a child, it's like a regression for him ) BUT grandmum she was my dad,mum,grandmum and best friend , she has raised me since i was born, but mostly when i turned 3 years old ( mum went to Italy, she didn't really raised me that much). All my universe was painted near her, she was the center of my world , my role model in life, an ideal for me... she was everything. She was one of the kindest person's from the world i'm not even kidding ( if she ever found a pocket, money, a mobile phone , everything that wouldn't belong to her she immediately gave them back , she has never said bad words, she would never put herself first , she would rather die starving but giving us ( me and my brother) everything what we needed) and unfortunately the thing that has destroyed me has happened 4 years ago when grandmum was diagnosed with cirrhosis ( she was also diabetic and other diseases but not that bad she took vitamin K for blood coagulation) When i heard i was literally destroyed every night i was crying and searching on google thousands of articles about cirrhosis , i couldn't believe grandmum would die in ~5 years according to google, i wasn't ready , i couldn't believe, she was too young! ~57-58 years when she was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Grandmum has always been a strong person , she would've never told us she is sick or she had any pain not to scary us , she suffered in silence everytime. Furthermore, when i was literally destroyed inside and outside last week Thursday to Friday when grandmum couldn't breathe anymore, i mean she could but very hard and she was coughing really bad everytime she was trying to talk and thus she had no more energy.. So i was scared, i phoned mum ( mum and uncles (grandmum's sons) that i was really scared and i don't know what to do as, so ,mum phoned a relative of us and told her to come immediately and see the situation.. as soon as that relative saw grandmum she immediately told her to come to the hospital, firstly i didn't want to come as i thought i was too scared to face the reality, but i had to so i went... I had to stay into a hospital with grandmum she was put a breathing mask into a dirty salon from the City hospital she stayed with another 10 people into a dirty salon just with a breathing mask waiting for the next day in the morning to be replaced at another hospital , i stayed all night with her, i was always giving her water since she was really thirsty and exhausted and her stomach was growing really bad ( that relative that was with us left around 1-2 AM so only me was who stayed with her) it was a nightmare to see grandmum in that situation, i called mum i was arguing with her a little bit, and with my uncles and aunt also, but mum was the only real person that could've understand me and see the real situation i knew grandmum is slowly dying under my eyes.. However, the next day she was transferred to Hospital number 3, i could remark that she's getting worse, and immediately her doc told us " We can't do anything , as she had cancer stage 4 , metastasis at lungs from liver . I was ruined, mum came after 3-4 days (on the last day grandmum could talk and be conscious ) grandmum never told us she knows she's going to die , in order not to scare us . But her situation was progressively getting x5000 times worse per day, until after 5 or 6 days she couldn't talk anymore , her eyes were completely yellow and she wouldn't open them anymore.... On the last night of grandmum the uncles and aunt ( her sons) arrived from italy grandmum hasn't opened her eyes , but i think she hear them . Going on, on the next day she died, slowly and without any pain, docs said that her cancer affected her brain so she didn't feel anything. We were all destroyed, especially me since she was my everything... Now i miss her so much, she was so beautiful , i didn't call her grandmum , i was telling her mum ( mama) whenever i called her ... Her wish was seeing me to university in UK (as this is my last year of highschool in romania) unfortunately she didn't make it... But i'm just thinking about what was in her mind while she was at hospitals did she always know she's going to die? What did she feel? What was she thinking about during all that time about? It destroy me all these thoughts because she didn't deserve this! She should've been right now in her bed watching her tv shows and laughing with me about silly things.. Now what do i do without her? I'm literally crying because she passed away too early.. So sad because, 2 years ago died her first sister, last year her second sister and in just after 6 months after her second sister died it was the turn of grandmum...

Views: 72

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Cristian,

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take your pain away.

What helps me is the Bible. I know not everyone finds comfort in it , but to me it gives me a wonderful hope for the future. It speaks about being reunited with our loved ones.

For example:

Mark 5:42 — And immediately the girl rose and began walking. (She was 12 years old.) And at once they were beside themselves with great ecstasy.

In this scripture the family had lost their 12 year old daughter...how painful that must have been...but the account is about Jesus resurrecting this 12 year old. Notice how the family responds.

"they were beside themselves with great ecstasy."

You and I can look forward to that in our future.

This sounds very much like my experience of losing my amazing mother nearly 4 years ago. I felt totally empty and dead inside, and lost almost every reason to live. I clung to the few things left in my life that had meaning, and really just wanted to die. An existential philosopher once wrote that the spirit will die if one has nothing to live for, "no will to meaning." You must find something to live for, even if it's not the same as your relationship to your beloved grandmother. Love heals. And, remember, you carry within you her lovely spirit, life lessons, and her very DNA. She is never far; in fact, she's within you. It's been four years now since I lost the person who I can barely live without. I will never be the same person I was before I lost her, and I'm still trying to rebuild myself and find some peace. I involve myself with all I have left, including my pets. Pets can be wonderful for a broken heart and can often give us a special something people cannot always give. Most people don't understand I am still grieving after so long. I do have "happy moments" where I might forget for a few hours, but am still shell-shocked. I have so many blessings in my life, but life just seems empty without my mom. She was my close friend, sister, mother, father, everything. Somehow, I I've managed to get through four years and have no idea what the future will bring me. It's as if reality has shattered. I find that having some kind of hobbies or interests help, too, although sometimes one is just too depressed to have any interests. I think of all the human beings who have also gone through this same pain, so many tears through all human history, but it's still hard to imagine I'm not alone. This will be a very long healing process, but the natural tendency of a soul is to survive and learn and to continue to love. I wish you all the strength and goodness in the world. Peace to you.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
2 hours ago
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
8 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
10 hours ago
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"
15 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

Repost: Is It Wrong to Grieve?

Is It Wrong to Grieve?Have you ever had a brief bout with illness? Perhaps you recovered so quickly that you have practically forgotten the episode. Well, grief is not like that. “There is no such thing as ‘getting over’ grief,” writes Dr. Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart. However, he adds: “Over time and with the support of others, your grief will soften.”As an example, consider how the patriarch Abraham reacted when his wife died. The Bible says that “Abraham began…See More
17 hours ago
Angela commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"I think because my daughter is giving me my first grand child it has blocked out some of the hurt I feel. Even though I am not crying I do think about my mom all the time, everyday"
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom loved Judge Judy. You couldn't convince her that was not a real courtroom. She also loved The Shark Tank and Everybody Loves Raymond. It all seems like just yesterday since we watched those shows together. I love those shows, too, but it…"
yesterday
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
":)"
yesterday
Jennifer added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...
Thumbnail

They don't understand.

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks about her husband dying flippantly she says things like "I know if _____ died I would use the insurance money to go on that vacation he never wants to go on."  Then in the next breath "Are you still going on your cruise next year?  I could take (my husband's) place if you want so you're not alone."…See More
yesterday
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Today was a good day! I love you and thank you so very much Mama! I think of you everyday while cleaning up your home and getting it ready for sale. It is still hard for me to go there and not seeing you watching Dr.Phil and judge Judy! I have not…"
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I am just learning this new place to talk. Not real sure how it works. I will stop in again. Thinking alot tonite of my husband. Sad."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I get sad when I see family together. My son who is an only child I feel pain for. He lost the person he loved so much and talked to alot."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"Been reading the articles past few days. Lost my husband Nov. 2015. Not a day goes by I wish he were here. I will like being able to be here"
yesterday
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.…"
yesterday
Diane commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"My mom had renal failure , she passed away December 2015. I still miss her everyday of my breathing, during this time I had broken my right wrist on a Friday Dec. 11 2015 my mom died on the 17. The pain was in so many directions, leaving the…"
yesterday
Diane posted a status
"It's been 2 years since my mom died, I still miss her , it will be 3 years really in December. I miss u mom. Love you so much,"
yesterday
Abigail Noell and Brenda Ann are now friends
yesterday
AnneJ commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the…"
yesterday

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service